These gifts are wonderful? I think?
Valentine’s Day is basically here already, and maybe it’s because there’s a shortage of SweetHeart Candies but good golly — there’s already been a bevy of strange thematic food gifts that companies are releasing. Watching these things come out is sort of like watching a toddler pound a square peg through a round hole: while it’s clearly a bad fit, there is something admirable in the dogged perseverance on display here.
How deeply do you love fried chicken?
If you said, “Not that deeply,” then kindly leave because you clearly have never laid your eyes on a bunch of fried chicken placed in a barely-heart-shaped tin.
1. Chick-Fil-A is putting out this Valentine’s Day tinful o’ poultry.
There’s a promise here, and one that I can get behind. That maybe, just maybe, these nuggets love me as much as I love them.
The company, on their official blog, positions this offering as a new creative and hip thing to give someone with whom you would like to have romance. Here’s a quote:
That sound you hear? That’s alllll the hearts of allllll the men and women in the world hammering away with anticipation and pent up sexual energy at the prospect of you swinging by a participating Chick-fil-A.
2. Here’s a pickle company with bouquet of pickles.
If you’re looking to really set the mood, then make sure you put together a pickle bouquet. According to Grillo’s Pickles, the company behind this masterpiece, “We know there are a lot of pickle lovers out there that would love nothing more than to get a Valentine’s Day gift loaded with their favorite snack.”
I just don’t think that’s true, because some snacks just don’t go along with Valentine’s Day. Take, for instance, wasabi almonds. Or yogurt. Can someone find me a yogurt lover (is that a thing??) who would love nothing more than “to get a Valentine’s Day gift loaded with his or her favorite snack” (again, in this example, that would be yogurt)??
3. Another heart-shaped entry: heart-shaped pizza. Why the heck not.
Man, these food executives are freakin ON FIRE. In terms of ideas, I mean. We’ve got food. Valentine’s Day has hearts. You can practically see them doing the thinking:
And yet California Pizza Kitchen execs somehow had the creative breakthrough to land on this, so now you can order up a heart-shaped pizza for your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse because ROMANCE.
4. Need more heart-shaped food? The food industry got you, fam.
Continuing the tradition of food innovation, we have another heart-shaped package, but this time it’s filled with Cinnabon cinnamon rolls.
If you’re looking for something waaay more creepy…
5. How about a giant gummy, edible snake candy? It’s only $150
If you’re really looking to amp up the love vibes, look no further than this giant gummy snake you can either use as an edible scarf or as a sexy prop in your Valentine’s Night strip tease.
The only thing creepier than this photo (so many questions. How did they end up at this pose? Was the photog like, “We need to show that it’s edible, Dylan, can you put the tale in your mouth a little bit? Just the tip, perrrrfect”; also — why is he wearing leather pants AND a sleeveless undershirt AND a hat?) is this snake’s eyes.
For real, get a look at those things:
There is a redeeming feature here, though, and that is the product reviews. Cases in point:
Let’s bring you back over from the sweet side and get you some salty AND get you something to actually set the mood.
6. Check out this gravy-scented candle from KFC
That’s right, if you’re looking for an artisanal gravy-scented candle to bring a pall of rendered fat and grease to your bedroom, this could be your year.
There’s even a commercial:
And lastly, on the subject of eating, let’s talk about eating butt.
7. This company makes edible anus candy, and ships internationally
The past few years have seen a bit of an ass-eating renaissance and a new-found willingness to talk about something openly that was once considered taboo — so maybe this is the time to give that special someone in your life a hint about what you wanna do next.
Edible Anus will create a chocolate treat that recalls the booty hole. According to their website, when you order from them, you’ll get “[r]ings of succulent chocolate lovingly cast and crafted from the delectable posterior of our stunning butt model. This luxury chocolate is unique and manufactured entirely in the UK. Watch Grandma’s face light up as she unwraps a homely selection of chocolate cracks. The perfect gift for all the family.”
Y’all are prepared now. Go be romantic.
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